Healing Hypervigilance

What is hypervigilance you may ask?

Webster’s defines hypervigilance as:

“Extreme alertness, care or caution. A state of or tendency towards being overly aware of one's environment and the potential dangers it presents.”

I’ve been noticing some behaviors in myself that have been around for a long time, but I am just now becoming aware of them. Things like:

• Noticing *immediately when I enter a room and someone’s energy feels off. And then proceeding to figure out how to make them feel better. Pouring all of my energy into making other people feel ok, even when it has literally nothing to do with me (God forbid anyone else has feelings to process).

• Gripping onto my toothbrush for dear life when I brush my teeth.

• Picking at my face, skin, and nails.

• Obsessively cleaning and organizing my space.

• Immediately responding to emails, texts, or Slacks without formulating a thoughtful response. Because I wouldn’t want to be unavailable for someone!

• Expressing how I feel in an honest, loving way and then *immediately feeling shame for having a feeling that might upset someone else.

• Forecasting the reactions of others before I act or speak and carefully editing myself in response to the weather.

And a few other things that mainly revolve around me trying to do anything I can in order to keep the peace. Because if I don’t people-please my way through life, I might end up alone, abandoned or unsafe, right?

Wait, is that right?

Whoa! Deep breath. What’s going on here?

As with most things, I know that hypervigilance is not specific to me. In fact, many people who have experienced traumas end up being hypervigilant.

It’s part of our human condition.  

Hypervigilance is a way that our inner child tries to control our behavior to remain cared for, fed, loved, and, ultimately, safe.

The irony is that, as adults who become hypervigilant, we are often left feeling the opposite. Empty, crazy, exhausted, and like an all-around basket case.

At least, that has been my experience.  

I grew up in a home where I learned how to walk on eggshells very well.

I coped with the chaos, fear, and instability by being happy!

Sounds counterintuitive, right?

Actually, I did what many people do. I became hypervigilant with myself. Don’t speak too loudly, smile regularly, be quiet when it’s intense, feed the animals, clean up the counter to make life easier and make parents happy, make my bed every day, put myself to bed early without being asked, do whatever it takes to avoid and reduce others’ anger, etc. 

Later on in middle/high school, I did not have healthy skills to cope, so my hypervigilance started to show up in food. Counting calories, carbs, fat, protein. Which eventually lead to me not eating and trying to make myself physically small.

In my 20s, I became hypervigilant with my schedule, needing to write down every single thing, obsessing over my weekly planner and tasks to cross off the list. When I was recovering from multiple autoimmune diseases, I became crazy about supplements, food, environment, etc. I tried to control everything (in part, because I had to to get healthy and in part, due to my own neuroses).

Now, did hypervigilance do anything good for me?

Yes! I heard somewhere recently that our traumas live right beside our greatest gifts. And I thought to myself, I am REALLY good at reading a room, understanding people’s feelings, and picking up on the “between the lines” energies of life.

So, while this trait can be exhausting and overwhelming, it has served me in many ways. I often know what is going on the moment I enter a room and sometimes before I even get there. I can see what is not visible to the untrained eye and hear what is not being said.

I feel that those who have developed a hypervigilant way of being have high levels of emotional intelligence, which serves us in many ways throughout our lives.

I’ve also learned a lot about my health—physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual—as a result of this hypervigilance.

So, it’s not all bad!

None of these habits or behaviors are inherently bad (well, except for gripping my toothbrush like a maniac). The point is that they become unhelpful when they become inflexible, obsessive, and compulsive.

How can we heal hypervigilance and use it for good?

By no means am I a psychologist or counselor, but I do have some theories based on my rich life experience.

I heard once that in all things “the opposite is the medicine.” I think that sentiment applies here too.

First, we must feel safe enough to recognize these behaviors in ourselves. There’s a reason I have not really looked at these behaviors until now. I have many more strides to make, but I do feel safer now than ever before, so this is a great time to peel back the onion a little further.

If you’re not in a space to look at something, don’t do it yet. Table it until you can deal with it. Don’t overload your nervous system if you are not ready.

Second, we must become aware of these extreme behaviors and look inwards.  

I am currently training myself (it’s not easy) to tune my awareness of me. Dang it, I can tell everything about others, so why not learn how to become highly tuned in to myself?!

When I notice a hypervigilant behavior coming up, I am learning how to stop, check in, and ask myself:

• What’s going on here?

• What is my inner child feeling right now? Scared, anxious, angry, unseen?

• What do I need right now?

• How can I nurture myself in this moment?

For me, it’s normally just connecting with myself as a scared little girl and talking to her.

It’s not like we must do some lengthy ritual for our inner child (unless you want to); I believe it is much more useful to develop awareness around the parts of ourselves that require attention in the small moments of life.

Third, now is the time to ask yourself: What is the opposite? Choose something small that feels manageable and not scary. Build trust with yourself through small steps and motions in the direction that you want to go.

For example, I’m not ready to give up my detailed weekly planner (and don’t have a desire to; It’s one of my superpowers!), but I am ready to write down in it that I need daily play or rest.

This week, I am doing yoga for 30 minutes every day. Because that nourishes both my soul and my body and feels like a combo of play and rest.

Next, I might write down 10 minutes of sitting on the porch in the middle of the day or painting on my art wall. Watch out world, we’re getting wild over here!

Finally, and I believe that this might be the most important of all: Forgive yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself. The parts of you that engage in hypervigilance are there for a reason to help protect you and they can be used for good, if you take the time to nurture their positive aspects.

I’ve spent too many years believing that something was wrong with me, that I was crazy, a basket case, screwed up, etc.

F*ck that.

You are just what the world needs. And every behavior you engage in has something to teach you about yourself.

Open your heart to the parts of you that are not glamorous. They are worth loving too.

Xoxo,

Em